It’ been an emotional day so probably best I wait a day or so to put it all down.

My first scan for this IVF cycle is on Friday. More then.




CD 22

Oh my, its been an age. Life- work. They both exploded on me. And now my second cycle date approaches.

My last period, the one after the collection, knocked me for six. I was away from work for two days. I might have avoided that with better pain management but I just didn’t think. The length of the cycle wasnt affected so I just thought it would be business as usual, the normal two days of painkillers. But no! The pain lasted one or two days longer and I was so much heavier. I had good flow for the full seven days. And the pain!! It was like I was before I started to think about what I eat and how that can affect my cycle health. Next time I will be more prepared.

My ovulation cramps, however, seemed lighter. Though I did spot (or experience tinted discharge) through it. And I have been experiencing early period twinges.

Anyhoo, I am trying so hard to remain optimistic and calm about the second try. I have been reminding myself that this time it’s all about supporting my body and uterus in what it does naturally. No overstimulation… or at least much less. It’s just, I think I had talked myself into the whole ‘higher numbers equals higher positive outcome’ argument. And now…. now I have to go back to everything depending on just one little egg.

But I guess that is the way that mother nature intended it to be.

CD 24

In my rush to fill you in I forgot to actually talk about the collection itself!


I was very nervous. Somehow as soon as someone asks you to put on one of those god awful hospital gowns it all becomes very serious.

I was (un)dressed and prepped. People kept introducing themselves to me…. the anesthetist, the surgeons, the surgery assistant, someone else….. I made a joke about how I had no intention of even trying to remember all their names. We laughed… it was a thing. Then a needle was put into my hand. I had been informed that I wouldn’t be put fully under. That he wold monitor me and just keep me at a ‘lite’ sedation state. This kinda freaked me out. I wanted to OUT OF IT. But next thing I knew I was waking up and being wheeled back to the cubicle.

A friend came to meet me. They checked my blood pressure several times and I was eventually deemed all good. After a herbal tea and biscuits I realised I felt totally fine. The pain-killer I was told would be administered was so doing its job. My friend and I went for dinner and I decided to go to work for a few hours. This was all around 6pm. The pain, or rather the tightness, started around 9pm. So after work I got home to bed and had an uncomfortable night. It’s hard to explain. On the pain scale it was nowhere near as bad as my period cramps. But I was tender and had bloating for some days afterwards. My body felt as if ‘something’ had been done to it and I was recovering from it. I think the day after was the worse but still not bad enough for painkillers.

Next time I think I could go it alone and just get the train home and straight to bed. I did some light yoga that same night and for a few days after to just stretch out my abdominal area. And about three days afterwards I felt less tender and started with some light massaging to encourage the blood flow. About a week after I gave myself a full self fertility massage with the focus of getting my cycle back to normal. I noted some continued mild tenderness in both ovary points. But I guess that makes perfect sense as I still have those other 4 eggs that were not mature enough for collection hanging around.

Ideally, take the day or a few off. But what can I say, I’m stubborn. Plus the important and only thing on my mind at that point was the disappointing numbers from the collection.

But secretly, or not so secretly, I was kinda impressed and pleased that I hadn’t gone through the nightmare collection that I had read about online. Some people looked like they were dying afterwards. Avoid the videos if you can!

I guess the fact that I was only a mild IVF might be a factor…. but either way I want it on record. The collection can be quite straight forward and with minimal pain.

CD 24

Yesterday I had a free consultation based on ways forward after my (very disappointing) first cycle results.

At the collection they were going in with the intention of collecting 5+ mature eggs. 3 on the left and 2 on the right. All three on the left were found not to have any eggs in them. Apparently the operating surgeon tried several times to collect, but no eggs. On the right side, both follicles had eggs and were successfully collected.
The next day I was informed only one of these two had fertilized successfully.
On day 3 (monday) I was told that this egg was at the 4 cell stage. Apparently by this point they are hoping for 8-12 cells. 8 minimum for freezing.
After not hearing and some missed calls and chasing, on Thursday I discovered that my one little egg had not developed from the 4 cell stage and the cycle had, as I stated, been very disappointing.

For the last week I have been coming to terms with what that means, what it might mean and the possible ways forward now.
I teeter on dispar and a solid conviction this process/ journey will just never work for me. But before I start plans to buy a cat and throw myself into my career I become equally convinced that I just need to stick with it and it will happen. It just wont be easy. It wont be handed to me. I will have to fight and persevere.

So… at the meeting my Dr. told me she felt (obviously) that I hadn’t responded well to the medication and the way forward was to reduce said medication. This took me somewhat by surprise, I was prepared for more injections and…. well more. But no. I have been moved to whats known as Natural IVF ‘modified’. Because the important thing is to concentrate on quality they will now work with my body’s natural rhythm. They will see what egg or eggs my body naturally selects and support its growth and development.

The way I understand it, for me it’s about quality not quantity. I have quantity and I just need one good egg now. As much as this was what I originally wanted and what I feel fits in with my personal ethos on female reproductive health…. It is so scary to now put all my hopes into just one little naturally selected egg. What if that doesn’t work?????

I have more questions. It will probably take some days for me to process it all. Again. But right now I am swinging towards … hang in there, it will work out. Right now its trial and error to find what works for my body.


The Privacy Question.


Today I decided that, at some point in the future, I will claim owner/authorship of this blog by stating my name. I guess the reason I didn’t want to initially is because what I am doing here (trying to have a child) is essentially a very private matter. And yet I wanted to share the process for others who might also be scrolling the internet, as I have done, desperate for some connection with others who have had similar experiences.

I will ‘claim’ this blog whether I am successful or not. And I want to do that because at some point I will be ok enough to say this was my journey. It was hard, hilarious, emotional, painful…. but it is why I am now where I am. And I will hopefully bring it to the attention of more women and those in need of these posts. Who, like me experience pangs of shame that they are unable to conceive naturally.

In the meantime I will wear my ‘pineapple’ badge with pride and continue to write.


I write because I suspect in alternate universe I am just that, a writer. I must be, somewhere, otherwise why do I feel the urge to get everything down on paper? And why have I kept a journal since I was 9 years old. I also write because this is a huge experience and I can’t not record it all in some way. I write because for me, the few examples of women going through the baby journey that I came across, were unsatisfactory for one reason or another. I write because it helps. Its cathartic. Therapeutic. It keeps me from going crazy. I write.

From 6am tonight I must fast. No foods or liquids. My collection is at 1pm. Tomorrow.


The Pin Cushion Effect.


There are many ways to measure a span of time, say like a year. Logically, in days, weeks, months. Or romantically, in sunsets, lovers, full moons. Female centered, in ovulations, tears, hardships overcome.

Right now, my time is very much determined in lengths of injection . I went from one injection to two, then three. On the second night (thank God) it became comical. Needles drooping, finger pricking and hiding syringes and alcohol swabs.

Night three, in the comfort and privacy of my home I still managed to stab myself in the finger. (Again I laughed) But the overwhelming feeling as I looked at all the medication I had lined up on my coffee table was just the epic-ness of it all. First one then the next then the next…… a seemingly endless progression of injections. My tummy was being punctured on a ridiculously frequent basis. And I would do it all again the following night. And then all again on the next IVF cycle… then once more, before I was done. I am a human pin cushion!

I must point out that this is just a mild cycle of IVF. I have read much about conventional IVF medication loads, and I fully acknowledge I am getting off lightly.


I had my final scan today. I have 4 eggs that are ready to go now. 1, just a short way behind and 4 that are unlikely to be big/ mature enough by friday. So I am hoping for 5. Then, shall we say, 3 (or more) that fertilize, with 1 (or more) being an A grader. With that, I would be happy.

My collection is booked for friday at 1pm. I take the trigger tonight at 1am

Very nervous about the collection and the recovery.



I’m glad my next scan is tomorrow I’m feeling like my body is right on the verge of ovulating and im kinda worried that I could lose some or all of the 8 egg follicles that I saw in the scan. Not really sure if that’s possible or not but I just have to trust that the doctors at the clinic know what they are doing, I guess.