CD 11

I should be preparing to go for my final collection in a couple of days. But work commitments have taken precedence once more. I know it is ultimately a choice… my choice. But a part of me is screaming that I am choosing my profession over my desire to become a mother. I have weighed everything up and this latest development will set me back by one month and the “pay off” is big. I wont go on about it because I already give myself enough grief about what I feel are my constant failings.

Waiting an extra month should also mean I will do a collection when I am naturally dominant on the left side. Both my previous times have been on the right. So it will be interesting to see how or if this changes anything.

It might also mean I will need to do a collection and then go to work. This is not recommended (by the medical professionals or by me) and I only feel its possible since I have been fine after both my previous collections, so….

I can feel I’m getting close to ovulation. Twinges and tightness in the lower abdomen area over the last few days. It’s truly is amazing how quickly time can fly when you are measuring it in urinary cycles. Almost halfway through the year already.

I’m just gonna put it out there….. I PLAN TO BE PREGNANT BEFORE THE END OF 2018!

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CD 12

I am on a IVF 3 cycle (natural moderated)  ‘Rest Month’. Next month should be my final collection month.

I left things on a cliff hanger last month. I was just about to go for my second collection.

 

Well of those five eggs – three were collected. Annoyingly I was unable to find out what exactly happened to the other two. But it  seems likely that they were just not mature enough. Even more annoyingly, there was a problem with the delivery of my chosen donor and my three eggs were not fertilized on the day. Though it was confirmed that all remaining three were of a good size and quality to be frozen. So on my final cycle they will be thawed and fertilized along with any other eggs collected on that day.

Do I feel slightly better knowing that, at least I have three little eggs on ice?  Hell yeah!     I know they still have to go through fertilization and then implantation…. but I do feel better than I did at the end of my first cycle. And in this process I think you need to take your successes where and when you can.

So, where am I now? Well I think I just ovulated. Since I no longer need to track it, I can’t be absolutely sure…. but most of the other signs were present. Raised BBT, a change in CM, twinges (very much on the left side).

I don’t really know what it must be like for women going through full conventional IVF. I can still feel the drugs having an effect on my natural cycle…. and am pretty sure unprotected sex at the point would be seriously asking for trouble. I kinda feel like my ovaries are bulging with eggs, most, if not all the time. I guess every body is different and I’m hoping mine just needed an extra….. nudge.

meanwhile, I am learning to deal with the multitudes of babies and pregnant women around me. My work contract is almost finished, which will make life a bit easier. Also, I’m finding it helpful if I don’t confide too much in my work colleges about my treatment. I find people there want to know and are oh so interested. But in another second you realise they don’t really get what it is you are doing and say something unhelpful like …”can’t you have a baby with him?”   or “so are you seeing anyone right now”

I think the existence of my blog is probably “out” but I  have just said it’s for me. A safe cathartic place.

 

I follow someone on twitter who is also talking about the power and her own success rate of ‘putting things out in the world’ Things you desire to happen in your life…. and when you do the universe works its magic, I guess to make it happen. I suppose it’s really quite practical really. You make it clear to yourself and others, how much you want something and you and even others will then consciously/ unconsciously work towards that goal.

I’m not brave enough to put my deepest desire on my twitter feed, but its out there. Its printed on a piece of paper up on my wall… its written over and over again in my diary. And here. Here in this blog. For anyone to read.

 

 

CD 11

Collection set for 10am Saturday. I have just taken the last of my medication. And then two trigger injections tonight.

I seem to have around 5 good size eggs so…… fingers very much crossed now.

X

 

CD 7

Where to start?

I got nothing for ya in terms of how to deal with the inevitable babies and pregnancy announcements that will come. They will be hard and emotional bullets that keep flying at you. When you least expect it and from a variety of directions. At these times just focus on the goal and your own timeline for achieving it. No one elses.

 

 

On a “Natural Modified” cycle now. Difference? Well, my medication started on CD5- not CD2, so much less drugs in my body.

And, if you remember, I was concerned that the plan seemed to be the supporting of the one (possibly two) eggs that yours body would naturally select for release that month. So all my hopes and dreams would be pinned on this one little egg……WELL…. turns out that’s not quite how it works …..

On my first scan (Friday) with no stimulating drugs in my body, we could already count 4 eggs developing. I said with glee to my doctor… “that’s good, right?! On a natural cycle?” She agreed, I think genuinely. Then today…. scan #2- five eggs (I should really say follicles!!!) on the right and a further three on the left!!!

Ok ok ok!!! I know from my first round that numbers mean very little. I could still get nothing at the end of it all…. but I do prefer not putting all that stress on the growth and development of just one or even two eggs. The higher the number the better the chance, right?????

Anyway, scan #3 is booked for Tuesday. And as emotional and stressed as I am right now, I face it with the knowledge that my body is at least producing these precious eggs, still, in my fast aging body. The particular obstacle I now need to deal with is quality.

In addition, I do also think the key will be finding the right medication dosage that is conducive for my particular body/system/uterus.

Tonight, I skirted around the pregnant work colleague to get to the toilet, my BEMFOLA pen in my hand (wrapped in a paper towel) and injected myself and promptly returned to work. It was (for the first time ever) strangely empowering.

Yep. This is currently my life!

 

CD 22

Oh my, its been an age. Life- work. They both exploded on me. And now my second cycle date approaches.

My last period, the one after the collection, knocked me for six. I was away from work for two days. I might have avoided that with better pain management but I just didn’t think. The length of the cycle wasnt affected so I just thought it would be business as usual, the normal two days of painkillers. But no! The pain lasted one or two days longer and I was so much heavier. I had good flow for the full seven days. And the pain!! It was like I was before I started to think about what I eat and how that can affect my cycle health. Next time I will be more prepared.

My ovulation cramps, however, seemed lighter. Though I did spot (or experience tinted discharge) through it. And I have been experiencing early period twinges.

Anyhoo, I am trying so hard to remain optimistic and calm about the second try. I have been reminding myself that this time it’s all about supporting my body and uterus in what it does naturally. No overstimulation… or at least much less. It’s just, I think I had talked myself into the whole ‘higher numbers equals higher positive outcome’ argument. And now…. now I have to go back to everything depending on just one little egg.

But I guess that is the way that mother nature intended it to be.

CD 24

In my rush to fill you in I forgot to actually talk about the collection itself!

 

I was very nervous. Somehow as soon as someone asks you to put on one of those god awful hospital gowns it all becomes very serious.

I was (un)dressed and prepped. People kept introducing themselves to me…. the anesthetist, the surgeons, the surgery assistant, someone else….. I made a joke about how I had no intention of even trying to remember all their names. We laughed… it was a thing. Then a needle was put into my hand. I had been informed that I wouldn’t be put fully under. That he wold monitor me and just keep me at a ‘lite’ sedation state. This kinda freaked me out. I wanted to OUT OF IT. But next thing I knew I was waking up and being wheeled back to the cubicle.

A friend came to meet me. They checked my blood pressure several times and I was eventually deemed all good. After a herbal tea and biscuits I realised I felt totally fine. The pain-killer I was told would be administered was so doing its job. My friend and I went for dinner and I decided to go to work for a few hours. This was all around 6pm. The pain, or rather the tightness, started around 9pm. So after work I got home to bed and had an uncomfortable night. It’s hard to explain. On the pain scale it was nowhere near as bad as my period cramps. But I was tender and had bloating for some days afterwards. My body felt as if ‘something’ had been done to it and I was recovering from it. I think the day after was the worse but still not bad enough for painkillers.

Next time I think I could go it alone and just get the train home and straight to bed. I did some light yoga that same night and for a few days after to just stretch out my abdominal area. And about three days afterwards I felt less tender and started with some light massaging to encourage the blood flow. About a week after I gave myself a full self fertility massage with the focus of getting my cycle back to normal. I noted some continued mild tenderness in both ovary points. But I guess that makes perfect sense as I still have those other 4 eggs that were not mature enough for collection hanging around.

Ideally, take the day or a few off. But what can I say, I’m stubborn. Plus the important and only thing on my mind at that point was the disappointing numbers from the collection.

But secretly, or not so secretly, I was kinda impressed and pleased that I hadn’t gone through the nightmare collection that I had read about online. Some people looked like they were dying afterwards. Avoid the videos if you can!

I guess the fact that I was only a mild IVF might be a factor…. but either way I want it on record. The collection can be quite straight forward and with minimal pain.