CD 7

Yep. My period finally started. And as expected it has been heavy and painful. But, I Am Woman…. so I have continued and worked through it- using way more menstrual pads than the environment can take. Today my flow has finally started to lighten up so I will start Self Fertility Massages to encourage circulation and a generally healthy uterus and resume my cleansing tomorrow…. for similar reasons.

So, what does this all mean in regards to my baby plans?

Well… My zika incubation period will be over in 2 weeks. My next period should start in 20 days (give or take..). I will start my medication again around CD2  and the transfer day will be a week or so later; around….. early October.

So close, I can almost taste it……..

 

x

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CD 34

Yes, the Cycle day is right. No, I am not pregnant.

Recap. My final collection had to be delayed due to work. In June I did something I would not recommend and did my collection and then a full days work. My work is reasonably physical and only pain killers and taking it as slowly as I could, got me through it. It really wasn’t too bad…. but like I say… I don’t recommend it.

The lead up scans were promising at the start, number wise, but then one egg follicle decided it was going for gold and developed faster than the others so my collection date was on CD10 instead of the previous two CD13 collections. Thus, the unplanned work conflict.

I was told there would be one- maybe two eggs collected.

They got two. Plus the three I had on ice from the second collection…. gave me a grand total of 5 eggs.

The following week was equally as hard as the injection and collection week. I was on the phone with the lab technicians getting updates on the developing eggs every day or so.

out of the 5 eggs- 4 were fertilised.

Out of the 4 fertilized eggs- one was deemed too low quality to freeze.

Then I was told one that had looked really good from the start was (cell) dividing too fast! (yes, apparently that’s a thing)

Then they all started dividing too fast….

After so much hope I was starting to go slightly insane…. Dr. Google became my dangerous best friend. I have now watched way too many videos of egg cell division and can pinpoint a high quality egg verses a not so good cell division egg.

Finally, I woke up. Literally and figuratively. And just knew I couldn’t  influence these little eggs in the lab and I had to stop torturing myself with information overload. I stopped obsessing.

Then I was informed one of my eggs/ embryo’s was now at a stage where the clinic was happy to freeze. It grading-   5BB      the number is for days along its development and the letters for its cell division quality formation etc. I think ideally you want a 5AA? And they wont take anything lower than DD?

Anyway. I had something!!!

The next couple of days, I was told one of my last two eggs had stopped growing and the final one would also be frozen. Grade 4CC

This all happened over a period of seven days. Saturday to Friday. By the time I got to Saturday I had started to cry…. I don’t think I truly stopped crying for about 36 hours. The whole process was so much more intense and emotionally involved than I ever imagined.Whether you get 20 embryos or just one or nothing….. its so, all involving. And it wont matter how many people you have around you or if you go it alone. Its your body going through the heave ho… the roller coaster ride and the hormone overdrive!! And I was natural modified IVF, so a lower protocol/ medication course than conventional IVF. I can only imagine what its like to do conventional  over and over again.

However, I made myself share what was happening to me, with three people. I talked it out…. cried some more and took several deep breaths… threw that erratic energy into my work… and finally stopped crying.

Two frozen embryos.

The plan (can you hear God laughing at me for even trying to plan again???) was to have a cycle off and then go straight into implantation. I finished my contract, FINALLY!!! I went on a WELL deserved holiday. I did a fertility cleanse  in preparation. I started my implantation medication. I had my first scans and confirmation that my uterus lining was thick enough. THEN………. realised that I had been to a country that was on the WHO Zika infection list. After numerous calls, blood tests and worry, blame, anger……. I was told to play safe and wait the required 8 weeks till my implantation. I stopped the medication that suppresses my natural ovulation. And as yet have not had a period. Hence, CD34.

I am cleansing again. Hopefully I will trigger my period. or more likely I think my body will skip it till next month. And it will be a few days after that starts that I will start with the meds and scans again. I’m really hoping mid/ end of September.

But I’m not planning. Life.

x

 

 

CD 11

I should be preparing to go for my final collection in a couple of days. But work commitments have taken precedence once more. I know it is ultimately a choice… my choice. But a part of me is screaming that I am choosing my profession over my desire to become a mother. I have weighed everything up and this latest development will set me back by one month and the “pay off” is big. I wont go on about it because I already give myself enough grief about what I feel are my constant failings.

Waiting an extra month should also mean I will do a collection when I am naturally dominant on the left side. Both my previous times have been on the right. So it will be interesting to see how or if this changes anything.

It might also mean I will need to do a collection and then go to work. This is not recommended (by the medical professionals or by me) and I only feel its possible since I have been fine after both my previous collections, so….

I can feel I’m getting close to ovulation. Twinges and tightness in the lower abdomen area over the last few days. It’s truly is amazing how quickly time can fly when you are measuring it in urinary cycles. Almost halfway through the year already.

I’m just gonna put it out there….. I PLAN TO BE PREGNANT BEFORE THE END OF 2018!

CD 12

I am on a IVF 3 cycle (natural moderated)  ‘Rest Month’. Next month should be my final collection month.

I left things on a cliff hanger last month. I was just about to go for my second collection.

 

Well of those five eggs – three were collected. Annoyingly I was unable to find out what exactly happened to the other two. But it  seems likely that they were just not mature enough. Even more annoyingly, there was a problem with the delivery of my chosen donor and my three eggs were not fertilized on the day. Though it was confirmed that all remaining three were of a good size and quality to be frozen. So on my final cycle they will be thawed and fertilized along with any other eggs collected on that day.

Do I feel slightly better knowing that, at least I have three little eggs on ice?  Hell yeah!     I know they still have to go through fertilization and then implantation…. but I do feel better than I did at the end of my first cycle. And in this process I think you need to take your successes where and when you can.

So, where am I now? Well I think I just ovulated. Since I no longer need to track it, I can’t be absolutely sure…. but most of the other signs were present. Raised BBT, a change in CM, twinges (very much on the left side).

I don’t really know what it must be like for women going through full conventional IVF. I can still feel the drugs having an effect on my natural cycle…. and am pretty sure unprotected sex at the point would be seriously asking for trouble. I kinda feel like my ovaries are bulging with eggs, most, if not all the time. I guess every body is different and I’m hoping mine just needed an extra….. nudge.

meanwhile, I am learning to deal with the multitudes of babies and pregnant women around me. My work contract is almost finished, which will make life a bit easier. Also, I’m finding it helpful if I don’t confide too much in my work colleges about my treatment. I find people there want to know and are oh so interested. But in another second you realise they don’t really get what it is you are doing and say something unhelpful like …”can’t you have a baby with him?”   or “so are you seeing anyone right now”

I think the existence of my blog is probably “out” but I  have just said it’s for me. A safe cathartic place.

 

I follow someone on twitter who is also talking about the power and her own success rate of ‘putting things out in the world’ Things you desire to happen in your life…. and when you do the universe works its magic, I guess to make it happen. I suppose it’s really quite practical really. You make it clear to yourself and others, how much you want something and you and even others will then consciously/ unconsciously work towards that goal.

I’m not brave enough to put my deepest desire on my twitter feed, but its out there. Its printed on a piece of paper up on my wall… its written over and over again in my diary. And here. Here in this blog. For anyone to read.

 

 

CD 11

Collection set for 10am Saturday. I have just taken the last of my medication. And then two trigger injections tonight.

I seem to have around 5 good size eggs so…… fingers very much crossed now.

X

 

CD 7

Where to start?

I got nothing for ya in terms of how to deal with the inevitable babies and pregnancy announcements that will come. They will be hard and emotional bullets that keep flying at you. When you least expect it and from a variety of directions. At these times just focus on the goal and your own timeline for achieving it. No one elses.

 

 

On a “Natural Modified” cycle now. Difference? Well, my medication started on CD5- not CD2, so much less drugs in my body.

And, if you remember, I was concerned that the plan seemed to be the supporting of the one (possibly two) eggs that yours body would naturally select for release that month. So all my hopes and dreams would be pinned on this one little egg……WELL…. turns out that’s not quite how it works …..

On my first scan (Friday) with no stimulating drugs in my body, we could already count 4 eggs developing. I said with glee to my doctor… “that’s good, right?! On a natural cycle?” She agreed, I think genuinely. Then today…. scan #2- five eggs (I should really say follicles!!!) on the right and a further three on the left!!!

Ok ok ok!!! I know from my first round that numbers mean very little. I could still get nothing at the end of it all…. but I do prefer not putting all that stress on the growth and development of just one or even two eggs. The higher the number the better the chance, right?????

Anyway, scan #3 is booked for Tuesday. And as emotional and stressed as I am right now, I face it with the knowledge that my body is at least producing these precious eggs, still, in my fast aging body. The particular obstacle I now need to deal with is quality.

In addition, I do also think the key will be finding the right medication dosage that is conducive for my particular body/system/uterus.

Tonight, I skirted around the pregnant work colleague to get to the toilet, my BEMFOLA pen in my hand (wrapped in a paper towel) and injected myself and promptly returned to work. It was (for the first time ever) strangely empowering.

Yep. This is currently my life!